You promised to put me in a magazine on every table, in every lounge

The last week is probably best summed up by this episode of Master Chef


Actually it would need to reference teeth and less on the shoes to be relevant but I don’t worry too much about the evidential detail.
My bloody tooth. The pain has been dreadful. As Mrs Bob, mother of my two cherubins (cherubi?), commented, “Bob my angel, the pain you are experiencing now is clearly much worse than any pain I have gone through in my life as both a mother and your wife”. Who am I to argue with The Law?
Imagine your pain is at 10 on the pain amplifier, but suddenly you realise it can go to 11 (no, this is my original thought, unrelated to Spinal Tap). Well all I can say is get the strongest drugs and do not try to use the tooth to bite on a pear. Root canal treatment booked in and 10 days of drugging up to go. I am having the root canal done for charity (for distressed jeans) so please, I want your money. That’s what I want.
Now here is where the cake comes in. I love cake. I mean who doesn’t.


I work now as a government official – I cannot tell you anything about this as, like Kingsmen – Secret Service, I am bound by confidential codes and rites (and my employment contract). As well as me running the country (whoops, let that slip), I pop down to the coffee shop in our building from time-to-time for a Skinny Americano. The ‘Skinny’ version is great as it cancels out whatever you then eat calory-wise.

On Tuesday this week they had what looked like a multi-layered Victoria Sponge. A piece of that and a coffee, for I think £1.25, can’t be bad. I was tempted and for some reason when they see me they always give me one of the larger slices.

It. Was. GORGEOUS! I mean groaning loud gorgeous. Who made it? Did they have fingers made of angel wings??

But it does not stop there, oh no. The next day I am tempted again…..


Only chocolate marble cake!!! I love cake. I love chocolate. I like marbles too.

Again, it was a baking triumph and much bigger pieces than in this pic. Moist but not overly so, and the lightest of sponge. Unlike the picture I had no wooden board or small cup of Bovril to accompany it, but it was still GORGEOUS!!!!!!

I had to rest at home on Thursday after all the cake and tooth excitement but when I went back in on Friday they had a similar thing to the Viccy Sponge only jammier and more densely moist. Bloomin’ knickers it was EVEN MORE GORGEOUS!!!!

Now these detailed baking reviews do not make clear a) the fact I could only eat using the left hand side of my mouth, b) I have severe toothache and 4) the cakes were in a Civil Service caff.

Points to note –

  •  The Government may be having a few challenges to deal with but their cakes are top top class
  •  Even though I am meant to be losing weight, cake eating helps if balanced by having skimmed milk in your coffee (I lost 2.5 pounds this week)
  •  Toothache is not always about having too much sugary food
  •  Toothache does not mean no cake eating
  •  Cakes are GORGEOUS!!!!!

I don’t watch GBBO but have joined a sweepstake. Is Helena going to win? She better do or we lose our house.

Going back to the start – a week of cakes and shoes (and teeth). Well I have a new ailment. A big bony protruberance has appeared on the top of my right foot near my big toe.


Other than making my big toe and a couple of other occasionally a bit numb it is not much of an issue. Mrs Bob says I should still get the GP to look at it before it becomes a problem. I am concerned that it is linked to my big fat sausage finger and perhaps is evidence of another outlet for fat when my stomach skin cannot flex to allow any more to fill it. That would make this a ‘fat spur’ and not a ‘bone spur’ though but I still think I will share my thinking with my GP.

Yes, this is a picture of my foot. I had my nails done before our recent holiday.

Going back to food, me and Mrs Bob went to Yo Sushi! this week because b) I had a gift voucher and iv) to annoy Bob Junior Female who loves sushi but was in Cornwall. It wasn’t the best meal I had had there and I should have stuck to fish and not that beef one which I decided I could not be bothered to chew, and swallowed whole like a dog would do. I did enjoy the fizzy water and the chilli squid but otherwise I have had better.


On the way home I tried to find a tube of toothpaste (n.b. clever link back to earlier dental theme) in my rucksack to show Mrs Bob but inadvertently flipped over my new water bottle so when we got to our tube stop the whole 500ml had emptied out and all my stuff was wet and the tube seat was like a lake. I informed Mrs Bob that the lid was in but was like stopper and did not screw in (on further inspection it does screw in btw; my bad) so it was not my fault.

I pity the woman getting in as we got off as if she sat at the first seat she would then have had a very ‘hydrated’ bottom for the rest of the day.


A lovely BBQ round friends yesterday where I sucked the meat (that does not sound as I intended it) and kept off the booze, despite nearly having a red wine late on.

I got to play lego, with toy cars, and also a version of British Bulldog where the catcher had to have their eyes closed or had to hop. I was better at being caught than catching. I only had three helpings of pudding as I am saving myself for cake at work this week.

A great 2-1 win for County at Wrexham yesterday. Arsenal v Spurs today. I know the result as I have the power of prophecy just like Barbapapa.


I think that covers all the critical and topical news for this week. I am now going to make a hard-boiled egg sandwich for my lunch. If you would like the recipe then please message me at

Let me leave you with the wise word of Neil Kinnock to reflect on ahead of another working week;

“They travel best in gangs, hanging around like clumps of bananas, thick skinned and yellow”

Let’s be careful out there………












2 thoughts on “You promised to put me in a magazine on every table, in every lounge

  1. I’m sure there are lots of higher meanings in your blog, and I am saddened to hear of your tooth troubles. But my main focus when reading this latest blog is that you can get a coffee and a cake (good cake too by the sound of it) for £1.25 (ish) at your work caff. I haven’t lived in the UK for 7 years, but this reverse inflation is a brilliant new idea. Well done Government, all the Brexit stuff I keep reading about must be from the bargain cake hating masses.


    1. Now, bear in mind I was on strong painkillers when I blogged. Having today had a medium sized Americano and an almond slice (GORGEOUS) today the price was in fact £2.55, so over 100% more than my initial claim. What can I say? Bovvered? Sack me.


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