To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

piquant ccheese

Let’s not go on about snow today. We all have some. Yes it is cold and freezy slidey but it’s not the first time most of us have seen it. Saying that Mrs Bob has stockpiled bread anticipating the riots and looting to come in Essex.

This week I saw Richard Herring recording a couple of his podcasts. His first guest was Mackenzie Crook. Now I like his work. He was unsettling as the ancient druid dude in Britannia, endearing as Gareth in The Office, piratey in Caribbean, and I can’t comment on the metal detector one as I stopped watching it. He was quite funny but RH was not on form.

What occurred to me though was how much Macka looks like Kurtan Mucklow from This Country, which has just started the new season on BBC iPlayer. Have a look below and then agree with me. Probably 2nd cousins.

Now I was underwhelmed by This Country but I have recently watched it all again and yes, it is funny, but that funny? Idiot friend Michael says I got it wrong again like I did with South Park, Inbetweeners and Bod. He is an idiot. The new episode? Yes, funny, but not that funny. Bring back Terry and June is what I say.

Pirates. Now we’re talking. Never got into the films but we all love the Disneyland Paris ride. Just fab. Most of all though I love to speak like a pirate. This is primarily about timbers / planks / arrrrrr / me hearties.


Pirates just rule, they really do. If I had been on Treasure Island I would so not have joined the boring swotty ones who didn’t mutiny. Honest I wouldn’t. I would have drunk grog and sang sea shanties and carried a kitchen knife twixt my teeth (I said ‘twixt’. I reckon pirates used to say ‘twixt’).

Mutiny on the Bounty? I would be living on Pitcairn Island in a flash with grog and banter with my mates. Arrrrr me hearties.

Did you know that the word ‘pirate’ is derived from the Latin word ‘pirateum’? This word refers to the epiglottis or the ‘epirattos’ as was the term then used in 17th century southern Europe).  This word mutated to ‘pirate’ because of seafarers around Cadiz and southern (what is now) Spain, who over generations were affected by the salty sea winds making them sound like Cornishmen when speaking (“arrrr Jim Lad, oooo arrrr”).  That is a fact that is.

The best pirate ever? Francois l’Olonnais most definitely.  He started out working on a plantation in America as an indentured servant. He was a little bit naughty though and was said to have eaten a Spanish soldier’s heart during one of his many attacks (not as bad as my tripe bap in Florence I bet). His own death, however, was worse in my view.  l’Olonnais and his crew lodged their ship on a sandbar off the coast of Panama and weren’t able to break free. Upon venturing onto land in search of food, they were captured by the local tribe and devoured. Karma. His legacy to us? Hollandaise sauce which he discovered in Panama. Yum yum!


I have been busy clearing out old correspondence today. That may fill another blog or two in due course. importantly I found my Stockport County diaries for 1983 and 1984. As well as all the school stuff and Stockport County first team and reserves info, including players birthdays, I found lots of incredible info showing what a busy and cool youth I was.

  • Sunday 9 Jan 1983v-v beat Brun 8-1 at table tennis
  • Weds 12 Jan – Spear of Destiny on John Peel Show
  • Sat 29 Jan – Hull City 7-0 Stockport County “what the Hell are you trying to do County???”
  • Tues 1 Feb – Thompson Twins no 38 and China Crisis no 22


On to summer 1983, the highlights.

  • Thurs 7 July – Big Nick coming
  • Sun 10 July – Big Nick going

The year ended on a high.

  • Sat 10 Dec – Piccadilly Radio Funbus in Stockport (no fun for me as I didn’t go to see it)
  • Sat 17 Dec – bus strike

To be honest I can’t face opening my 1984 diary as i am worn out. I didn’t even tell you my revision timetable for my end of lower V! form exams (and I could have done).

My big fat sausage finger is a bit achey today. I have been referred to a rheumatology consultant which is madness as it is clearly fat displacement as previously blogged. Talking sausages, I am – snow permitting – going to my parents tomorrow for a few days. Now my father always buys in sausages from Barry Porter’s and I have to say they are really really good.  Bizarrely my Google search did not bring up a pic of this butcher shop which has been there since as far back – at least – as the 1970s but it does bring up this pic…..


He looks very happy. Stereotype that. What the heck is he eating though. It is the crappiest bacon sarnie ever. Firstly it appears that the bacon is uncooked. Secondly, it seems that there is a tiny scrap of bread forming the top of the sandwich. Fifthly there appears to be yellow custard underneath the sarnie. No wonder he’s laughing, he is barking mad. Bet he has never had a Barry Porter sausage in him.

Better finish this now as Mrs Bob and I are taking the wee baby girl and her beau out as they have a gig and we need to find a films to watch and food to eat to loiter nearby. The only film we can see is about how water is shaped or something. Hope it doesn’t freeze. (Oh did you see that, I effortlessly started the blog on the topic of snow and ended it with ice – I am a literary genius).


P.S. cauliflower cheese.


2 thoughts on “To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

  1. Old diaries! What fun they are😂😂 and letters did you keep any letters from back in the day???


  2. I don’t dare reference later diaries due to the teen cringe factor but kept some letters I think…..


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